• Katie Pahura

I Became The Person I Needed...



I read an article today that really spoke to me, and honestly inspired me to dig deep, and share with whomever decides to read this. I choose to share, because if I can connect, relate, and help even just one other person....then that’s what I’m going to do.


I’m a very emotional person. My tear ducts are wired to every single emotion in me, whether thats happy, angry, sad...I cry over just about everything. And for a long time I thought that was a weakness, but over the years I’ve learned that it’s who I am. And I accept that fully. I’ve tried to change it, but it hardened me, and I didn’t like what... or who, I should say that I was turning into. Being vulnerable is hard for a lot of people out there, including me. So sharing what I’m about to share is probably the deepest I’ve ever gone, and I feel like I’ve shared a LOT of myself over the years.


The article I read that inspired me is titled, “Check up on your strong friend. They’re usually the one bleeding in silence.”


So much of this article resonated with me. But I also don’t think it fit’s me 100%, so I wanted to put my own spin on it, and I guess my response to it... and turn it into my story.


This excerpt is what got my wheels really spinning,


“She’s always checking up on people, but no one ever seems to realize that she might need help too. She appears strong because of how much she cares, because of how often she’s there for the people who need her. But deep inside, she’s crumbling, and no one even seems to notice. 
She needs help, but there’s no one there to give it to her.
She doesn’t respond as much to the messages she gets, anymore. She stays home more often. Her life shrinks in on her, until it’s all she can do to drag herself to work and back every day. People say that they miss her, that they haven’t seen her in ages and that she isn’t as active online as she used to be, but still no one asks if she’s okay.”

It’s true. I am an incredibly strong person. It’s one thing about myself that I truly love, and take pride in. But it’s also something that can make me too proud to reach out for help when I’m struggling inside myself. I feel like I get into these deep states, well I guess it’s probably a mild form of depression....but I’m not a depressed person...so it’s hard for me to label it as that.


I find myself in these places where I get angry with those close to me, and I shut everyone out. I get angry because inside I need someone to help. There are sometimes I feel like I’m screaming on the inside...but because I’m such a strong person, no one really knows....and no one knows, because I’m not asking for help, I’m not sharing my feelings, and they legitimately don’t know that I’m even struggling.


“She wonders what she’s done wrong. She wonders why no one’s worried about her. Why is it that the people she’s been so quick to check up on when they’ve seemed quiet in the past are so reluctant to reach out and make sure she’s okay?
She feels lonelier day by day. The walls close in around her. She thought her friends cared, so why have they abandoned her? In the back of her mind, she knows that they care about her. But it gets harder to convince herself of that when dusk falls every night and the inevitable, overwhelming feelings of isolation and loneliness set in.”

I have felt every single sentence of the above excerpt...


But... you know what? Our friends, our family, those close to us....how will they know to ask any of these things if you’re not vocal about it? If you don’t flat out communicate, and share how you’re truly feeling?


Human beings by nature are selfish. We think about ourselves day in and day out. And a lot of times, our friends, our family are so wrapped up in their own world, and inside their own head that they don’t see what’s even happening around them. And at a certain point I think we become resentful of them... because they’re not recognizing that we’re hurting.


Like I said before, being vulnerable is one of the hardest things we can be. For some people it’s second nature. But for those of you relating to this...it’s not easy for us.


We choose our friends. Remember that.


And, as I’m writing these words, I need to take my own advice. Just like with a romantic relationship, friendships also take work. Friendships also take communication. If you’re not getting what you need from your friends, you need to tell them. If you don’t tell them....how are they ever going to know? Once you’ve shared your feelings with whomever you need to share them with....that person (if they’re truly a friend) is going to be sorry...so incredibly sorry. They’re going to apologize to you for not seeing that you needed them. They’re going to feel just as bad as you do....but just remember.... I don’t know where I found this saying, but it holds so true...The best apology is a changed behavior.


Just like with romantic relationships, once you’ve laid your cards out there...and you’ve told someone what you need as a person...if they don’t give it to you....know that maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with that person.


...I’ve wondered why I’m so invested in my friends.


Why I care so much about their happiness? Why I try to be so involved? Why I can seem “overbearing”...?


Most of it I’ve learned it through difficult times.


SO what is it that I’ve learned?


I’ve learned that I get so invested in others, because deep down, I want someone else to care about me as much as I care about them. I don’t want to have to ask someone for help, I want them to be able to know me so well that they can see it in my eyes... But I’ve been too proud to tell them. I’ve been too prideful to reach out and essentially break down, and tell people what it is I actually need. So over the years, I found my own way to deal with my emotions.


I found that support in other ways, so I became the person I needed.

I turn to my puppies for comfort, and to podcast’s, books, music, and even to TV and Movies. I take lessons in life wherever they come from. I know I shared on my social media (click here) that I finally met The Bella Twins, and I gave the abridged version of how they’ve helped influence me. But I guess....this blog is me digging even deeper....and sharing the why, and how, they’ve become so influential to me personally.


When I needed a cheerleader....when I felt like I didn’t have the support that I needed (that I didn’t tell anyone I needed)....when I needed a push, when I needed someone to tell me to not give up, to keep going, to keep fighting for your dreams, to keep pursuing my passions, to not take no for an answer....I’m crying even thinking about all the ways these two women have helped me. And they didn’t even know it.


After reading the article that inspired me to write all of this....I almost feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like I preach to my friends all the time about clear communication. But I’m not fully committing to being vulnerable and communicating with them when I need to. Going forward, it’s what I’m going to do.


The whole world doesn’t need to know that you’re struggling, but those closest to you should. Be vulnerable with your loved ones, and don’t be afraid to reach out if you’re struggling.


I hope that by me sharing my thoughts, and a little bit of my story that it helps those of you who stayed until the end.


XOXO

Sunshine


P.S Above is a little clip I saved from USA Today's Wine and Food Experience, where the Bella's were doing a Q & A. It is the perfect example of why they're so influential in my life.






#inspireothers #communicate #bevulnerable #shareyourstory #empowerothers #womenempoweringwomen #pursueyourpassions #chaseyourdreams #thebellatwins #bellaarmy #nikkibella #briebella #belleradici #nicoleandbrizee #totalbellas #hairstylist #nbr #naturalbeadedrows #hairextensions #handtiedhairextensions #newyorkstatenbr #NBRnewyorkstate #rochesternynbr #nbrrochester #nbrbuffalo

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